If I ever murder anyone I’m going to hide the body on my second or third page of favstar where no one will ever find it

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When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.


Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.


On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.


Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it

Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies

Me: and they never will be!


When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.


My kid: I’ll look

Me: No, no one is going to look

Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-

Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON


People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.

My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.


I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.


[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?