The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
You Might Also Like
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
I saw nothing
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
Good dog. ❤️
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.