Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
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Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
#Caturday
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire