If I ever noticed you waving frantically from inside a burning building I would totally wave back because I’m polite.

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In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.


Do you accept Jesus Christ as your lord and saviour?
No, sorry we only accept Visa or MasterCard.


My mom keeps asking questions like ‘When you gonna be famous?’ I tell her, ‘As soon as they find the bodies.’


BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.

FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.


REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch

WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare



When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I want to use my finger & write “WASH ME” on her face.


WebMD has a mobile app now. An app!!! A quick, easy and convenient way to diagnose yourself with cancer anywhere!


ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..

APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable


the only proof i have that there is a god is that one time i saw a dude in a “Bazinga” shirt get into a car and drive directly into a tree


[date started at 9 pm]

[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.

[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.