@VenusRockHobbit

If I ever noticed you waving frantically from inside a burning building I would totally wave back because I’m polite.

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@pro_worrier_

In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.

@JohnASinclair

Do you accept Jesus Christ as your lord and saviour?
No, sorry we only accept Visa or MasterCard.

@Storminika

My mom keeps asking questions like ‘When you gonna be famous?’ I tell her, ‘As soon as they find the bodies.’

@TheAndrewNadeau

BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.

[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.

@daemonic3

REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch

WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare

ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT

@AbbeYaar

When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I want to use my finger & write “WASH ME” on her face.

@SherBoBer

WebMD has a mobile app now. An app!!! A quick, easy and convenient way to diagnose yourself with cancer anywhere!

@U_Want_Shum_M8

ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..

APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable

@drugleaf

the only proof i have that there is a god is that one time i saw a dude in a “Bazinga” shirt get into a car and drive directly into a tree

@CerebralWreck

[date started at 9 pm]

[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.

[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.