@JRevard

If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex to move back in. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.

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@offbeatoliv

A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.

@boozemunkee

Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.

@AbbyHasIssues

Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.

Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.

@squirrel74wkgn

*pounding on her chest*

DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!

*pounds harder*

(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!

CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.

@LizHackett

Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.

@Lanecat2

My husband suffers in silence louder than any person I know

@aedison

Can’t believe I’m still writing “-oslovakian” on all my Czechs.

@Sean_Burgundy_

There’s nothing worse than when you tell someone it’s a long story and they reply with “I have time.”

@Average_Dad1

Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!

Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting