If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
You Might Also Like
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
“No way.” -Jose
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
6: are snakes just neck?
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*