Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
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me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
Personal question. #JustSaying
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before