If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
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me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
Meow
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!