Marriage: When dating goes too far.
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
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DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
Coworker: My husband’s an angel.
Me: You’re lucky.. mine’s still alive.
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
*eats one piece of lettuce*
*checks for abs*
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.