If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
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I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
Happy Star Wars day!
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
My birthstone is a marshmallow
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*