@SandwichGhoul
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
@neonorchid1
If I ever put ‘Taken’ in my Twitter bio, just know it was…
A: By Aliens
B: By the men in white coats
C: Into custody
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@SandwichGhoul
@TrueTorontoGirl
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
@Book_Krazy
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
@artdecaderoo
this is the funniest shit i’ve seen all week
@TattedChanel
‘Find a guy who ruins your lipstick, not your mascara ‘ lol mate ruin any part of my makeup nd ur gettin smacked down
@AngrEdmontonian
If I can pick up your dog with one hand, congratulations you own a cat.
@pizza_dragon
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
@Gupton68
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
@TheWidowmakerX
{Speed dating}
Him: What are your interests?
Me: Guns, knives, blood, drugs, cemeteries…
Wait! Where are you going? We still have 3 min
@agathagotstoned
May you always be the one looking confused standing in the back of a group selfie