If I ever put ‘Taken’ in my Twitter bio, just know it was…

A: By Aliens

B: By the men in white coats

C: Into custody

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Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.


6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.


Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?


MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.

MY DAD: Ugh fine.

[My Birthday]

DAD: Open this one.

ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.

DAD: Now open this one.


If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents


If Bruce Willis does any more Die Hard movies it will just be 90 minutes of him sitting in a rocking chair waiting to die from the flu.


Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
Hi, I’m Nancy!


WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.


Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”

He didn’t even die.

Killing people with kindness is hard.