If I ever put ‘Taken’ in my Twitter bio, just know it was…

A: By Aliens

B: By the men in white coats

C: Into custody

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ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter

FRIEND: This is a shoe

ME: Omg I can’t believe it


Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?


‘Find a guy who ruins your lipstick, not your mascara ‘ lol mate ruin any part of my makeup nd ur gettin smacked down


Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*


So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?

It’s not like I knew my fly was open!


{Speed dating}

Him: What are your interests?

Me: Guns, knives, blood, drugs, cemeteries…

Wait! Where are you going? We still have 3 min


May you always be the one looking confused standing in the back of a group selfie