@MissSassy_Pants
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
@neonorchid1
If I ever put ‘Taken’ in my Twitter bio, just know it was…
A: By Aliens
B: By the men in white coats
C: Into custody
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@MissSassy_Pants
@FSUSteve
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
@FrazzleMyGimp
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
@retardedwriter
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
@Just_Lee_
If Bruce Willis does any more Die Hard movies it will just be 90 minutes of him sitting in a rocking chair waiting to die from the flu.
@MomofTeen
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
@AndrewNadeau0
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
@mjkspeaks
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
@mortimermaiden
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
@JumpOnMyTutu
*Squats down to look for food in the refrigerator*
Fitness.