Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
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Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation