@neonorchid1

If I ever put ‘Taken’ in my Twitter bio, just know it was…

A: By Aliens

B: By the men in white coats

C: Into custody

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@MissSassy_Pants

Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.

[Later]

6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.

@FSUSteve

Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?

@FrazzleMyGimp

MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.

MY DAD: Ugh fine.

[My Birthday]

DAD: Open this one.

ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.

DAD: Now open this one.

@retardedwriter

If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents

@Just_Lee_

If Bruce Willis does any more Die Hard movies it will just be 90 minutes of him sitting in a rocking chair waiting to die from the flu.

@MomofTeen

Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!

@AndrewNadeau0

WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.

@mjkspeaks

Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”

He didn’t even die.

Killing people with kindness is hard.