@KateWhineHall

If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.

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@BillyCorben

They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!

@Storminika

If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.

@Brianhopecomedy

“Daddy, I-”

*presses button for soundproof backseat divider

Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”

*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider

@Cpin42

Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.

@ianpauldukes

HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.

ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.

@UncleDuke1969

him: license and registration please
me: *hands them over*
him: *eats license and registration*
me: now wait a min-
him: *burps* insurance card please

@Pundamentalism

My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

@awkwardphilippe

HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me

@liv_thatsme

trainer: i thought we could work on building up your calves today

me: (looking at my baby cows) you guys are kind, smart, important, and i appreciate you