If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
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No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
This a good idea
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”