(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
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Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
You can’t outrun your problems…
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.