Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
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Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
Dear Lord..
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run: