@BrotiGupta

If I ever seem smug or like I have a huge ego, it is typically because I have been regular for like 3 days

You Might Also Like

@michaeldean0116

If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….

@RodLacroix

This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”

@liv_thatsme

Me: WHO PUT THE EMPTY MILK BACK IN THE FRIDGE?

Me: YOU LIVE ALONE

Me: SHIT

@ChipKellysBalls

WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer

@snmrrw

i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.

@ericsshadow

[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.

@david8hughes

“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”

@julie2288

Toddlers are the only life form that can exist entirely on their own snot, one goldfish cracker, and half a chicken nugget a day.

@Shen_the_Bird

ghost me: baaaaaa

guy: are you saying baa instead of boo

ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out