If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
If I ever seem smug or like I have a huge ego, it is typically because I have been regular for like 3 days
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This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
Me: WHO PUT THE EMPTY MILK BACK IN THE FRIDGE?
Me: YOU LIVE ALONE
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
Toddlers are the only life form that can exist entirely on their own snot, one goldfish cracker, and half a chicken nugget a day.
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out