If I ever seem smug or like I have a huge ego, it is typically because I have been regular for like 3 days

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Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?



her: did you dream about me?

me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?

her: umm no

me: then no


[Death row]

Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.


Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.


My brain: You really think you can just study the night before and pass?



Now I ain’t saying she a gold digger, but she out in the field with a shovel & idk man she’s diggin for somethin. Oh burying a body? Ok then


An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…

I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.


People tell me that I have a unique way of lighting up a room. It’s called arson and those people are called witnesses.


If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.