@ClassADude
@lurve_meh
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
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@lurve_meh
@dxblarssonENG
Meth addicts gets all their drug money from the tooth fairy.
@kimtopher22
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
@_Water_Baby
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
@Brianhopecomedy
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
@TheTweetOfGod
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
@SeanSchofer
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
@daemonic3
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
@NintenDom
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
@tourettzgoth
I only think about cannibalism the average amount