If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.

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It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”


My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.


I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.


I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.


The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.


Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.



“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”

PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?

“No thanks, I already believe in children”


It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.