@ClassADude

If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.

You Might Also Like

@lurve_meh

It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”

@kimtopher22

My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.

@_Water_Baby

I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.

@Brianhopecomedy

I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.

@TheTweetOfGod

The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.

@SeanSchofer

Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.

@daemonic3

[pharmacy]

“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”

PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?

“No thanks, I already believe in children”

@NintenDom

It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.