If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.

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Me: You said everything in here was edible

Willy Wonka: Yes, but-

Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut


Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy


My son announced to his entire class that the bank keeps calling Daddy every day to talk about money.

We’re renewing our mortgage.


The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.

I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.



me: why can’t i find any animals

wife: the wildlife is very conservative here

deer: climate change is a myth


“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
TT: Bingo


i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”


Her: “For our anniversary my husband is letting me choose between a romantic trip to a secluded mountain cabin or private scuba diving.

Me: “Oh, what a sweetheart. I know the exact outfit I’m going to wear when Dateline interviews me about your “accident.”


me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?

him: is it leftovers again?

me: it’s leftovers again.


God: How’s it going on Earth

Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream

God: Send a flood. Send several floods