If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
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Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
Perfect
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday