Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
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I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
tinder is all about the long game
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
#milo
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling