If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
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Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.