Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
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“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
[loses house key, starts a new life]
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.