If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
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I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
Feels like the fourth month in January
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”