if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
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My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.