[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
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My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….