If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
You Might Also Like
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.