I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
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*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.