If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
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Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
Happy Friday
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”