If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
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If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
Happy birthday to all the women
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
Do not steal food from the science building!
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃