If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?

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homeless guy: change?

me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….


“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.


[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no


Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.


If Target didn’t want anyone singing “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” into a hairbrush they shouldn’t have it playing over the store intercom.


Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.


GUY: looks like your truck could use some work

ME [patting it]: indeed

GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?