If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?

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Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.


Hello, police, I have a burglar trapped in my home gym. Please hurry. The longer he’s in there the more powerful he’ll become.


Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan


*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster


*goes to bank

Me: Hi, I need a loan.

Banker: How much and what for?

Me: Seventy three thousand. I’m making guacamole for the super bowl.


The Simpsons need to have an episode where Arsenal win the Champions League


Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.

An M&M.

In half.


This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.


Schools should teach kids how to balance a checkbook & basic car maintenance & how to hide a drinking problem. Regular life stuff ya know.


*first date*

Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money

Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body