If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
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I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*