@pineappleiheart

If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?

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@donni

Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.

@finkelsteino

Hello, police, I have a burglar trapped in my home gym. Please hurry. The longer he’s in there the more powerful he’ll become.

@SoVeryBritish

Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan

@murrman5

*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster

@jergarl

*goes to bank

Me: Hi, I need a loan.

Banker: How much and what for?

Me: Seventy three thousand. I’m making guacamole for the super bowl.

@1niitro

The Simpsons need to have an episode where Arsenal win the Champions League

@ValeeGrrl

Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.

An M&M.

In half.

@MommaUnfiltered

This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.

@Loli_Sug

Schools should teach kids how to balance a checkbook & basic car maintenance & how to hide a drinking problem. Regular life stuff ya know.

@SJSchauer

*first date*

Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money

Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body