Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
You Might Also Like
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!