In hell no one is allowed to get divorced and you have to go on a lot of family cruises.
If I get killed, would you make my chalk outline slimmer? Thanks.
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I’m not staying up all night to get lucky.
If it doesn’t happen by midnight, I’m going to bed.
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.