If I get killed, would you make my chalk outline slimmer? Thanks.

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In hell no one is allowed to get divorced and you have to go on a lot of family cruises.


I’m not staying up all night to get lucky.

If it doesn’t happen by midnight, I’m going to bed.


getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house


[Job Interview]

“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”


“That’s not even close”

“But it was quick”


Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.

Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.


Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.


My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.


When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.


Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.