if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats

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Me: Hello darkness my old friend

Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan


Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?


The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.


When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework


[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?


According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.


I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.

I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.


In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook


[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*