I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
You Might Also Like
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
Just overheard my daughter’s friend say “when your mom tries to be cool…” I didn’t hear the rest, but it was probably “…she succeeds”.
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
Guy on plane : So, where are you going to?
Me : I’m guessing it’s the same place you’re going.
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*calls it ‘This Year’.