@IamEnidColeslaw

if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats

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@jacksfilms

So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay

@LittleMissAngr1

Just overheard my daughter’s friend say “when your mom tries to be cool…” I didn’t hear the rest, but it was probably “…she succeeds”.

@kenchengcomedy

[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]

Me: how many am I allowed

Guy: just one

Me: we’ll see

@heytherejeffro

Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.

@beefman138

Guy on plane : So, where are you going to?

Me : I’m guessing it’s the same place you’re going.

@hippieswordfish

wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600

@amishschool

If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.

@sofarrsogud

I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!

*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.