@IamEnidColeslaw

if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats

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@SteveSuckington

Me: Hello darkness my old friend

Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan

@sliver_of

Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?

@DavePrimeau

The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.

@captaincoximus

When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework

@Jeffwni

[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?

@TheAlexNevil

According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.

@YSylon

I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.

I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.

@sug_knight

In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook

@stephenjmolloy

[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*