[first day as a sports announcer]
*taps mic twice*
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
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last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
god: awful nice planet you got there
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?