If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.

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Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal


Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”

Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”


“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.


accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted


Me: I really think we should hide the body

Pallbearer: Again, that is not how any of this works



Whisper “You should have killed me when you had the chance” to the person in the bathroom stall next to you.


In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.


I have decided I will never get down to my original weight. Besides 7.5 pounds is unrealistic anyway.