@iantherage

If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.

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@Shenaniglenns

[first day as a sports announcer]

*clears throat*

*taps mic twice*

Me: sprots

@ProZD

last night in a voiceover session

me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong

@DothTheDoth

Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.

@trevso_electric

I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.

@roxiqt

[God making raccoons]

GOD: I want a goth red panda

ANGEL: so like… a regular panda

GOD: no, make it small

ANGEL: okay

GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting

@UnfilteredMama

Toddler: *babbling nonsense*

Me: Ok, got it!

Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.

@kfoagkfoag

*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!

@Skoog

god: awful nice planet you got there

earth: thanks

god: it’d be a shame if someone…

earth: please don’t

god: created humanity