Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
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If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.