If I get married, I’d take my wife to a deserted island on our honeymoon. On our 15th anniversary, I’d return to pick her up.


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Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?


What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.


A vegan girl told me that, “If you eat beef, you’re basically a velociraptor.”

In what world is that not totally awesome.


[at TED talk]

OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?

*entire crowd stands*

No a MEDICAL doctor

*entire crowd sits*


My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”


sometimes when a man and a woman love each other very much they decide to bring a tiny shitting bald man screaming into the world


My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.


Me: Dishonor on you! Dishonor on your family! Dishonor on your house!

Olive Garden server: Please stop! I’ll bring more cheese to grate!


Hey guys wanna watch a girl feel herself up? Hide her cell phone.


Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.