@vivalacrap

If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.

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@NoTheOtherJohn

“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”

@iwearaonesie

If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore

@Skoogeth

me: arch your back it’ll give you more power

guy at the next urinal: what

@faungirl123

Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad

Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven

@GreenishDuck

Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.

@ItsAndyRyan

Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…

@Lottie_Poppie

*playing hide & seek with my group*

5: I’m only going to count to ten

Me: why?

5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet

@WilliamAder

Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?