“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
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If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
We went from May 1 to May 17 in 2 days
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
turning my gender off to conserve energy