If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.

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“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”


If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore


me: arch your back it’ll give you more power

guy at the next urinal: what


Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad

Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven


Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.


Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…


*playing hide & seek with my group*

5: I’m only going to count to ten

Me: why?

5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet


Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?