“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
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Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth