Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
You Might Also Like
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.