@Miss_Ghandi

If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.

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@GrantTanaka

HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF

@mrjohndarby

[driving test]
me: did I pass?

driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal

@KalvinMacleod

[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.

@Mom_Overboard

Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.

@TweetPotato314

detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you

me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh

victim: well he had large forearms

me: oh thank christ

@BrownDogBlanket

Test your friendship today by liking and retweeting all the replies to a friend, but not their original tweet.

@murrman5

me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it

@JohnLyonTweets

[first date]

Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.

Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.

@ivadixit

last Christmas I gave you my heart/and the very next day you texted me “k”

@chuuew

WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral

FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate