A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
You Might Also Like
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
I just hired a private investigator to find out what I do all day.
The doctor just told my girlfriend and I that the baby is coming early.
Like father, like son.
Press “three” for Spanish, and press “fo” for Ebonics
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
[Check engine light comes on]
Me: *pops hood – checks on engine* well you look great buddy but today did suck, let’s just see if you’re feeling better tomorrow.
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.