@Miss_Ghandi

If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.

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@_davidlucas_

A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.

@JeffMyspace

Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts

Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts

@HairyJew4Life

The doctor just told my girlfriend and I that the baby is coming early.

Like father, like son.

@treywafer

Press “three” for Spanish, and press “fo” for Ebonics

@david8hughes

[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over

@madee_kha

do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence

@Divergentmama

[Check engine light comes on]

Me: *pops hood – checks on engine* well you look great buddy but today did suck, let’s just see if you’re feeling better tomorrow.

@adrianmyreality

The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.