Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
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Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
What if all the cashiers are married?
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
Most fashion shows these days…
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.