If I go the 90 you can at least go the 10

“Ma’am, that restraining order requires you go the zero.”

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Aladdin: I can show you the world

Jasmine: lets go to New York!

Aladdin: hold on

Jasmine: then London

Aladdin: wait

Jasmine: and then-

Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah


billionaire: we’re all in this together

everyone: you lost money too?

billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer


WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.

ME: {drinking toast} Why?


That awkward moment when you are introduced to someone and you have no idea if that person is their child or their spouse.


A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.


I have a CW who can’t input data into a spreadsheet without whispering each number so don’t tell me about your day.


When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.


DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog


[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp