@robin_991

If I go the 90 you can at least go the 10

“Ma’am, that restraining order requires you go the zero.”

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@mishakey

I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.

@ObscureGent

Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?

Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.

Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?

Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?

@envydatropic

Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.

@Divergentmama

Cashier: your total is only 4 bucks

Me: *taking back the 5th deer* whoops, my bad

@caperbc75

“Can I help you find something?”

I’m looking for the perfect diamond for my wife that says “sorry I cheated on you in your dream last nite”

@PaperPlateFace2

Tried to steal some candy from a baby.

I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me

They lied about how easy that was.

@dumbbeezie

I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair

@Marlebean

Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.

@jdforshort

A random guy held the door & paid for my Cinnabon roll at the truck stop today

He doesn’t know it, but this is the best date in a long time