If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
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If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
“I will cook for you.” I threatened