If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you

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[at recycling center]

Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*

Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*


Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free


My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.

I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.

He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.

Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.


We’ve had our first casualty of the virus in my house. RIP my husband’s beard. Please respect my privacy at this time.


[first day as a weatherman]

ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?

ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim


5yo: What’s a cannibal?
Me: A person that eats another person.
5yo’s eyes widen in horror.
Me: You said cannonball, didn’t ya?


Nurses should be allowed to veto one baby name a shift.


I like my women like I like my cigarettes, slowly killing me in packs of 20 or more


Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?


911: Have u tried looking in her house?

Turtle: oops never mind.


If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.