If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
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Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…