If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you

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If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.


When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting.   I know this now.


“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.


Losing weight

– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carried

– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried


Me: Can I bet $20 on the Panthers to win the Super Bowl?
Government: Sorry, no
Me: Ok, can I buy 1k in powerball tickets?
G: Lol, of course


Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.

Me: A transplant?

Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.



[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?

[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me


Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind


The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.