If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
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Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
#DesignFail
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.