If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.

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Friend 1: I was promoted.
Friend 2: I got engaged.
Friend 3: My wife is pregnant again.
Me: One of my selfies almost got 50 likes.


robert pattinson has absolutely no regard for the things he says on tv and i think thats beautiful


“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.


CASHIER: “Did you find everything you were looking for?”
ME: “Oh, yes…” [places “How To Murder A Cashier” book on counter]


My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.


My ex GF turned out to be anorexic. Gradually I just saw less and less of her.


They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.


‘I’ve been a very bad girl,’ she said, biting her lip. ‘I need to be punished.’
‘Very well,’ he said and installed Windows 10 on her laptop.


[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders