If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
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if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.