If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”

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[first day as an undercover police officer]

me: so uhh does anyone want to do some crime tonight? haha i love crime


*gets hit by a car*

Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”

Me: “Please… I need my… phone”

*opens Twitter*



I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.


PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.


A work from home email:

Dear mom,

Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.


Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations


Her: Do you still keep in touch with your ex-wife?

Me: Only by “automatic withdrawal.”


I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.


Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.


“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.