[first day as an undercover police officer]
me: so uhh does anyone want to do some crime tonight? haha i love crime
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
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*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
A work from home email:
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Manager of House Operations
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
Her: Do you still keep in touch with your ex-wife?
Me: Only by “automatic withdrawal.”
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.