if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
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Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
no!! no!!!!!!
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty