If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
You Might Also Like
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please