If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
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PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.