Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
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Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!