me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
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[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
The only equipped I am is ill.
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot