If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
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My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.