@thewritertype

If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.

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@elisemarie91

She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza

@Fred_Delicious

If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”

@tree_bro

Why Can’t I Find Out Anything About This Superb Owl #superbowl

@quikkim

Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?

@dishs_up

What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?

A Parenting Story

@MikeDrucker

Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.

@buttgh0st

frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone

@TheNardvark

There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.

@Timmsmiff

“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”