@GregHenchman: If I had a bodyguard, I'm pretty sure he'd just spend most of his time sighing and saying "Don't eat that..."
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@FrazzleMyGimp: ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper? GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper] ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking. GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why? ME: Because I care.
@AimeeHelene1: Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower. But I'll be telling everyone it's from having sex while skydiving.
@GaryJanetti: Apple is developing an iPhone that pregnant women can swallow so fetuses can go online since they have nothing else to do in there.