Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
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ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
My cell phone battery dies quicker than a mother in a Disney movie
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
Well, Lester Holt definitely lost that debate.
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
*Putting ikea furniture together*
Her: ummm, it’s supposed to be a dresser
Me:* Standing next to a wooden T.Rex* I KNOW WHAT IM DOING, LINDA
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
I’m surprised God doesn’t make Christian Rock Bands sound better.