If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
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If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.