Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
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I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
I see your IQ test came back negative
what is cheese if not milk persevering
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow