Just ran over my neighbors cat. In fairness, though, the damn thing probably thought he was safe when he made it to the porch.
“If I had a bookstore I’d make the mystery section really hard to find.”
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BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
COP: can you describe the whale that attacked you
ME: yeah it was like a fish but if you zoomed in real close
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
ME: but what?
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the body
Me looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
If I refer to you as ugly, I always mean on the inside, you piece of shit.