“If I had a bookstore I’d make the mystery section really hard to find.”

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ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!

JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.

ME: Again, with the judging.


Today TO DO list:

1) vacuum huge spider in living room??

2) panic??

3)throw vacuum cleaner outside??

4)buy new spiderless vacuum


Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit


this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens


Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.


Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.

*hangs up*

Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-


Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”


*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*


I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors


ME:Make it enormous

“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”

ME:Make it enormous