Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
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Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
Cndnsd Mlk
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
when you order from DoorDastardly
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔